Simple Statement

"True Education Liberates." - Paulo Freire

"The idea that the school must undertake to meet every need that some other agency is failing to meet, regardless of the suitability of the schoolroom to the task, is a preposterous delusion that in the end can wreck the educational system." - Arthur Bestor

"The nation piled socail policy upon educational policy and all of them on top of the delusion that a single institution can do it all." - Ernest Boyer

Sick

Today, I feel a little ill. I think it has something to do with getting up and drinking coffee before eating anything. The caffine really messes with my stomach, and on an empty stomach, it may make me feel a little sick. It may also be that I am a little nervous about the semester starting. After all, I am taking really hard classes, and I am taking several of them. I have never really taken hard classes before. Who knows, maybe they won't be as hard as I am imagining them to be.

The last of Alyssa's things are ready to be loaded. Her daughter has come home now, and both of them seem so happy. I am trying to find them a house. They are currently renting and paying way too much. Of course Alyssa has found another house for them to rent that is less than half of what they are currently paying. The thing is that I hate to see her throwing money away. I am searching for a house in Borger that has three bedrooms, a large living room and kitchen, and I want it to have a least 1 and a half bathrooms, but Alyssa doesn't really care if it only has one. I, however, know what it feels like to have to wait on someone for LONG periods of time. (If I have to use the bathroom in the morning, I have to make sure to get up before Daddy. Sometimes, Daddy doesn't need the bathroom in the morning, but when he does, he usually reads or messes with his phone and loses track of time.) I have actually already grown very fond of Ciara (pronounced Kyra), even though little kids drive me insane. She is cute too and just like her mother. She eats constantly and in big quantities. That's alright though; Alyssa is reimbersing us for the food she ate while here. I feel great about it. I actully hate to see her go. Anyway, I don't mind how much she ate if she is going to replace or pay for it. The problem right now is that we have, literally, no food in the house. What we have you can't really eat by itself. We have a little bit of frozen meat, hamburger helper (spaghetti) with no hamburger meat (oops), milk for Conner, burritos that you have to eat with cheese and/or ranch (which we have neither), tator tots and fries (which don't really make a meal for anyone besides Alyssa and Daddy), and condiments. We have some poptarts for Conner's breakfast as well as a little cereal, but other than that, its ramen noodles and mac-and-cheese all the way. We have been living off of that for the last two weeks. I have to admit I feel like I have taken a step back...three years back (that is what Daddy and I lived off of when we first got married).

Anyway, school starts tomorrow, like I have already said. I am a little sad to leave my baby again. He is growing up so fast, and now I don't get to enjoy time with him. The time I will have with him will be short, and even then he will be eating or sleeping. The only days I have with him will be Thursday and part of Friday. Sundays I will have him for the evening, but other than that, our time together will be sporatic. So sad. I still haven't found daycare. No one in Borger has an opening. I hate that. I have to leave him with Daddy's grandparents, and they are getting to old to keep up with an active child; and he is very active (I have a hard time keeping up)! My schedule is going to be crazy this semester. I am hoping to find child care soon. I need to substitute! And unless Pawpaw and Gam'ma want to keep him an extra day every now and then, I can't. Plus, that would mean that I lose another day with my baby. The problem is that I need to substitute in order to keep the job that I love! But I love my baby too! I just don't know what to do. I need to keep the job so that my baby's future will be a little brighter, but I am losing precious moments with him...and these are the moments I don't want to lose. You can see my delima!

This talk is depressing me.

Young Stupidity

The feeling inside
Is more than I can take
I don't want to feel this way
But Daddy was the stupid one
All I want to do is cry
His weekend problem has hurt me
And he doesn't seem to understand
I indulge a little
He indulges a lot
He has so much
I have very little

I'm sitting here
He's passed out in the bedroom
My home smells of food mixed with alcohol
There is a dead bug in the bathroom
I am all alone
And I want someone to care
I need the feeling of love
But no one is around
There are plenty there
But none are here

He acts like a child
I have to be the adult
I grew up to fast
So I guess this is what I get
I wish he would listen to me
But all he wants to do is be twenty-two
I want him to grow up
I want him to realize that he isn't the only one
Our son is suffering
Why does he not see that
He tells me that he only wants me to understand
But I can't understand if he never talks

He says he had a bad day
What made the day bad
I ask him many times
And he chooses to ignore me
I head home upset
He gets mad that I don't care
He doesn't realize that I do care
But I can't act thrilled with his behavior
It is moments like this I wish I had listened to my parents
It is when I wish it was all over
I don't want in this anymore
I only want out

My day is perfect
Until I get home
There I can't seem to do anything right
Trash and dishes cover the living room
School all day
Work after
Coming home I crawl in bed
In the morning I am in trouble
So I am told
Why can't I take care of my home
Why is it always trashed

He has done so much for me
I have done plenty for him too
I know that it never ends
But why must I be treated like this
I just want to lock myself up
I want to cry
These are the moments I wish I didn't love him
I shouldn't have these feelings
I love him so much
But why

What does he do for me
Does he realize what I do for him
He doesn't act like it
I don't want those old feelings to come back
I need help but can't find it
All of my hobbies are cause for laughter
I am the joke of the group
I am the baby
Hating it only fuels the flame
The flame that needs to die

These "friends" need to disappear
They are not friends
If they are making him feel this way
I wish we had never met them

I can't wait until he grows up
I want this to work
But at his metal age
It's not going to

Gilmore Girls Rant

Well, I have to admit that I am absolutely upset about the Gilmore Girls ending. I know I started this yesterday, but I need to talk about Conner yesterday. Today...it's all Gilmore Girls.

I love Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel. They create such a feeling when you watch them that no one can help but love them. I honestly think that in Alexis's new movie, Post Grad, Lauren Graham should have been cast as her mother. I am assuming that the lady (who also plays the "evil stepmother" in Another Cindarella Story) is supposedly her mother, but that is just not right. I cannot picture one without the other anymore. I love nearly every episode; why did they ever end the show? I don't like it! I want the girls back! I am lacking two seasons, and I don't like the fact that I can watch all the way through season three, but I can't watch 4 or 5, but then I can jump to 6 and 7. I'm currently upset. We need something; we need to know what happened to the Gilmore Girls. People call me crazy for caring, because they are not real people, but I grew to love the story. I want to see Sookie's third baby. I want to know what happens between Lorelai and Luke. I want to know where Rory's career takes her. I want to know if Rory and Logan get back together. I want to know...everything! Do Luke and Lorelai finally realize that they were meant to be and get married? Does Rory realize that Logan was meant for her, admit her mistake, and try to get him back? How was Rory's trip following Obama? Did it end when he started his (hopefully short) career as President? Where did she go? Does she ever get hired by the New York Times? What happens to Lane and Zach's sons? What happens with Dean? What about Jess? Does he sell a lot of copies of his book? What about April? Where does she end up going to college? Speaking of April...did anyone realize that Anna is also Jess's father's girlfriend out in California in Season 3? Anyway, what happens with Paris and Doyle? Do they get married? Does Paris become a surgen? Or does she change her mind and go to law school? Does she get both degrees? What happens to Richard? Does he live much longer? After all, he's had two heart attacks. What about Emily? Does she ever learn how to work a computer? What of Christopher? And Georgia (aka Gigi)? Do they ever get back in touch with the Gilmores? What about the Dragonfly? Does Lorelai take her mother's advice and add a spa or tennis courts (I doubt it, but I still want to know)? So many questions! And I have more, I just feel like moving on.

Personally, I think Rory, even as a character, was stupid for turning Logan away. I don't care that Lorelai tells her that someday she will meet someone and won't want to hesitate; she should have married Logan. Did they not have enough episodes left to pull off a wedding? Maybe not, but even still, they should have added something to the end that told us what happened to everyone and where their lives led them. Short and sweet if they wanted, but I want to know what happened to them. Even though, if they were real, they wouldn't have lived their lives yet, at least not to the end. After all, it has only been a couple of years since the show ended.

Well, I have ranted enough for now. I'll rant more later. Right now I need to go get Conner out of his high-chair...I don't think he's eating anymore...just playing.

Gilmore Girls Gala

Well, the last several days I have been watching the Gilmore Girls. I have to admit that I love the show, thanks to "Aunt" Elise...lol. Sadly, I have been hogging the television. I have offered for Daddy and Alyssa to take control of the remote, but so far, nothing. Anyway, I think Alyssa has started to like the show too.

(I love Lauren Graham. She is an amazing actress and I heard that she is to star in another television show soon. However, I am very depressed that I have no cable, no dish, and no local channels. I would love to give her new show a shot, but if I have no television, I kind of can't!)

Moving on, Conner is starting to not want to take his naps. I put him down today at about 1:30 (his usual time is about 1:00), but he wouldn't sleep. I left him in there, hoping that he would play himself to sleep, like he sometimes does, but at about 2:45, still playing, I went and got him out of bed. He is too young not to take naps. It's actually starting to worry me. Even now, at 10:10 p.m., he is not sleeping. I put him in bed at 9:15, bedtime usually being at 9:00. I don't like it. I do need time to myself. I love my child, but as I am so young, I still feel as though I need me-time. I admit, I feel very selfish about it, but if I don't have time for myself, I go crazy. And Daddy gets all of my pent-up emotions. I don't like it, and he doesn't like it, but I can't exactly take out my frustrations on an 18-month old on the child! Daddy, God bless him, takes it, over and over. I feel so bad about it though, and I am trying to get better at it; it's hard work. Point being, I need me-time and I find it, even when my baby won't sleep. Sad, but true.

School starts in a week. I am so excited. I don't know how well I have conveyed that fact so far, but I love school, and come six days from now, I will be back in a classroom, where I belong...or so I feel. Also, with the beginning of the semester, I will have work again. Being an English major, I am a writing tutor, and I feel that it is a step in the right direction. After all, I want to teach English, right? So how far is tutoring English (writing) from teaching it? Except of course for the fact that that tutoring is usually one-on-one and not one-on-twenty! Anyway, I am going to love this semester.

The soup-making is still going strong. I have come up with another recipe, only, strangly, it consists of ground beef and not chopped meat, like all of the others. Either way, I love making and creating soups. Maybe I should make cooking my hobby, or my back-up for if teaching doesn't work (like it won't...there is always a shortage of teachers around here!). I haven't yet given this recipe a name, and I don't think that is will be as big of a hit as the last one, but I love it and have made it twice in the last twenty-four hours. I love making soup!

The house is starting to feel small. Even if Alyssa weren't here, I would think that it was small. I shouldn't have settled. Of course if I hadn't, my baby would have been born and brought home to an apartment. How bad would that have been!?! At least this way I have good memories about my first home. Anyway, I don't like this house. I want out of it. It's one bathroom, and I hate that you have to wait on someone when you have to go...usually every time!

Well, aparently everyone in this house is bored. Right now, Daddy is on his phone, Alyssa is on another computer, checking her email, and I am sitting here blogging. Guess I'll call it a night. God bless.

Ringtones

Well, I finally have ringtones for my phone. Daddy found a website that lets you download them directly to your phone for free! I found one for Daddy, that says something like "your husband is calling." I also found one for Uncle Daniel that says simply "Your brother is calling." Found one for my parents too, actually two...one for my mom's cell, and the other for their home phone. I found one for my grandma, one for all of my friends, and one for all of the annoying callers that I want to avoid! I love my new ringtones. Of course, come a month or so from now, I will want to update a few of them, because they are actual songs, and they will get old and no longer fit the group.

Anyway, I went to our WIC appointment today. While we were waiting, which took forever by the way (we were there for over an hour), I noticed that Conner has a new tooth. This one is a molar, and I am suprised I haven't seen it before. I was shocked! Also, I found out that Conner weighs 30 pounds (big shock, not), and that he is just over 31 inches long...although I have no idea how tall that is (the doctor makes him stand now, but they didn't).

Well, other than that, nothing much has happened. We are losing our roommate, and we have decided that we will probably not get another one. She is leaving for good cause; her daughter is coming back, sooner than expected, but she is going to keep the house that she pays way too much for so that her daughter will have her own room. Also, her family is going to help so that the two do not get thrown out. I wouldn't want to pay 880 a month for a house around here; it's not worth it and no one here has that kind of money. Anyway, the last occurance of the day was simply that when I was taking Conner to bed about twenty minutes ago, I triped over the train that his Granness got him...I really hate that thing. I have a bruise on my shin, but Conner was and is fine. I made sure not to drop him or let his head hit anything. I, however, will be in pain for a little while...physical at least. My internal pain will last as long as that train is in the nursery.

Hungry

Well, the food lately has been in short supply. Every time I go to eat something, my son decides he is hungry too. Of course, being Mom, I give him the majority of my meal. The fact that he eats some of everyone’s meals is causing our grocery bill to double. I don’t really have that kind of money, so usually, I will not eat until Conner goes to bed. This leaves me feeling hungry all of the time. I cannot stand the empty feeling in my stomach, but I am trying desperately to save what little money comes in. I even went as far as to try to change my cell phone plan. However, I did not get to save as much as I had wished. I changed the overall plan, but I wanted to remove the data plan on my phone, because I don’t use it; however, my phone is a smartphone, so I had no choice but to keep it. I don’t like that. I don’t want unlimited data on my phone. I don’t want to spend the extra thirty dollars a month on it, especially since I don’t use it.

Because money is tight, I am even trying to get us TANF. I am sure we qualify, but so far, our case worker has not been in the office and when she was she told me that TANF has to be paid back. I find this hard to believe, simply because it is government aid, not a loan! And our family needs the aid. Not excessive aid, but every little bit helps…as it does in most households.

On to happier topics, our friend, Brenda, has a little girl, Aeva, and I cannot wait until Conner is home again. I told Brenda last night that I needed to bring Conner by so that the two children could play together. Neither Brenda nor myself are really the “buddy-buddy” kind of people, but it would be nice for Conner to have a friend. And Brenda and I are already friends, just not in the “girls-always-go-to-the-bathroom-together” kind of way. It’s not true by the way, that girls go to the bathroom together, because these two girls do not! Anyway, Conner got a duplicate for Christmas, and we figure that Aeva would love the second one, seeing as she is only a little older than Conner. We love this family. Granted they are not the families that I see my parents spending time with, but she is Christian, Catholic actually, and he is a firefighter, so automatically you can see where they are a good family. We love them as if they were our own family. We spend time with them, normally every weekend, and talk. The sad thing is that I always send Conner to Paw-paw’s, and Aeva is always at home, so I have met Aeva, but they have never met Conner; thus is the reason I cannot wait until he gets home. I hope to get over to Brenda’s sometime this week and let the children have a “play-date” although I would never call it that.

Right now, Daddy is working. On Saturday. I don’t like when he works, but what can I say. The extra money is great! Anyway, I am waiting for him to come home so that we can get over to our WIC appointment and then to Brenda’s. He introduced me to Brenda, mostly because his friend Ryan introduced them. If it wasn’t for Brenda, I don’t know how I would feel in this group. I’m not going to lie, this group is the kind of group that my parents refused to let me spend time with growing up. It’s not that they are bad people, but they do things that my parents would not and still do not approve of; well, I hate to admit it, but I am one of the people that my parents did and do not like. Oh well, I am old enough now to deal with the problems myself, and to know that kind of behavior is unacceptable around my child. I have to live sometime! But never around Conner. Never! I don’t allow it. I never will. And when he gets to that age, I won’t let him “hang” with these kind of people either. I have to say “Thanks” to my parents, simply because they raised me a thousand times better than they really needed to, and a million times better than most parents raise their children. At least I know how to behave when I have children of my own. I am not like an ex-boyfriend of mine and his parents. I don’t ask my fifteen year old son to come pick me up because I am too drunk to drive! That, and other actions like it, are completely unacceptable, and those people should never have had children!

Starting Spring 2010

My life is great right now! I have been feeling a little under the weather, but other than that I am great! School is going to start in about a week and a half, and I have already started my work! For those who know me, they will know me as a procrastinator. Not anymore! I have finished one complete novel and I am starting my second. I love to read! Actually, last semester, people called me the “English Nerd.” I’ll take it. I do not deny the fact that I love to read, to write and to learn all I can about the English language and Literature. I enjoy every second of it! I am actually taking two Literature courses this spring, and then I will be taking another in the summer, so I tell people I am taking three. I might as well be, seeing as how the summer sessions are only four to six weeks long! I am also taking an education class, that way I can teach as soon as possible. I want to teach, so badly. I cannot wait until I have my own classroom full of students who hate me! What a load of laughs! I do not want my students to hate me, but every time I bring up my plans for the class to Daddy, he always tells me that they will, that I am too tough, and that I would be asking too much of my high school students. Oh well. The whole purpose of high school is to prepare students for the world of college, and none that I have attended met that goal. I attended four high schools, and every one of them failed me in this respect. I was not ready for college when that time came. The only reason I was prepared for my real first semester, was because I took a concurrent class that showed me what college instructors expect from their students. Also, I just love to learn and to study, so the work was not very difficult for me. However, the students who pass through my doors may not be as thrilled to learn as I, and I have to be able to get them to understand that in order to live a productive life outside of school, you have to go to college, and in order to make it through those classes, you have to be able to pass my class. I will be tough, and I will require hard work and dedication to a class that some may not fully understand, but if they are to take classes in college and pass, they will be able to pass mine as well. English is not an easy language, and I will not give them that feeling. If they are in a high school English class, then they understand the fundamentals. Or at least they have been taught, and I will not stand for any misuse. I can’t; we won’t have that kind of time.

Maybe I should teach at a private school.

Roommate

Well, so far our roommate has been great. It has been only recently that I have realized that there are small problems that may hurt our friendship.

For one, she eats...a lot! Our monthly grocery bill, which was about 200, was used up within a week! That would have lasted Daddy, Mommy, and Conner a month! Anyway, that is not really the big problem. She eats, yes, but she replaces what she eats, mostly. The problem comes in when I go into the bathroom to take a shower and there is dried puke all over the tub. Not only is she eating all of our food, but she is puking it up and then NOT CLEANING IT! I understand the vomiting, because everyone has health issues, and this is one that Daddy suffers too, but I don't understand leaving it there to have someone else clean!

Another problem is that she is doing all of my chores, which I admit I don't like to do and I appreciate her doing them, but she doesn't know where anything goes, and so she just sticks things everywhere. I will go looking for a glass for something to drink, and I find them, not in the glass cabinet, but with the plates and the bowls. I will go looking for my flat grill, and I find it, not above the refridgerator, but below the pantry! It is very upsetting to have my home turned upside down, but at least she helps with the bills. We need that help. We can't afford anything on our own.

Lastly, she is never here. It upsets me that she is living here and I don't know what she is out doing into all hours of the night. I know that I am not her mother, but it is my house and I don't want her coming home while I am sleeping, high, with my baby sleeping in the next room. I don't know if she gets high, but I know she drinks, and that is one rule I set up early: no drinking with Conner around.

I don't know how well this roommate thing is going to go, but I have to try. She is a great person, but until she gets used to living here, I can't get onto her for putting my things in the wrong place. I have to teach her, or at least tell her and remind her several times before I get really upset. Anyway, I hope that the food issue is worked out quickly, because I hate waking up and finding that Conner has no breakfast because it has been eaten by the only other person in the house who eats them: her.

January 5, 2010

Today, we both got up late. I don't know what it is with us right now. I guess we are just tired from the holidays! I love the way Conner looks when he's eating. So innocent and precious. Right now he is watching "Meet the Robinsons" and he loves it. I'm personally sick of it, but if that is what he wants to watch all of the time, I'll deal with it. Childhood is all about being happy, right? And I will do everything I can to make sure that my little man's childhood is a happy one. He's been getting into trouble, of course, because daddy's desk has been set up in the living room and he wants to get into everything. He has to learn that he can't touch anything on the desk. Daddy's computer costs a lot of money and is arriving in two days. It would be bad if we had to spend that money again to get a new computer! One is plenty, for now. Daddy is going to school for computer programing and gaming. I don't know what he wants to do. My path is set. I am going to teach High School English. It is a dream of mine that I am slowly watching come true. Sadly, I am watching my dream of earning a Master's Degree go down the drain. I can't afford to go to school for a Master's because grants do not cover past a Bachelor's degree. All of our money has to go to make the house the right home for our little boy. He's growing so fast! He learned to say "cracker" yesterday. Last week he actually attempted "Uncle Daniel," but it came out a little baby-ish: "unul annul." He loves his Uncle Daniel and his Paw-paw. Grandma is now known around the house as "Bup," but it works. Lucky for me, our new roommate, Alyssa, is also a mom, and she is great with Conner. He warmed up to her quickly, which is something he doesn't normally do. I guess that means that she is a really good person, which I could have told you easily before she even met Conner.

He's nearing 18 months. The closer we get to that day, the more my heart breaks. I can't even imagine how my parents feel, seeing their oldest with a baby of her own. They tell me that there is nothing like being a grandparent. I can't believe them at the moment, because to me, there is nothing like being a parent, but someday, Lord willing, I will be there to feel what it is like to be a grandmother. Until then, I am going to enjoy every moment with my son that I possibly can. Even his tantrums are worth it. I watch him throwing fits everyday, and sometimes they may get a little aggrivating, but even still, they are a part of his growth, and I will enjoy them to the fullest. Too many times have I been told to enjoy this process, and I have taken that advice to heart. I will enjoy every moment that the good Lord has blessed me with my son. He is learning words so quickly. I can't even make a list of his growing vocabulary anymore. He talks more than he does anything. I will walk into the room just to hear him talking to himself, about nothing in particular. It's adorable, and I love it. Every morning, when I wake up, I lay in bed just to listen to him talking and playing in his crib, until he decides he's had enough "crib time" and knocks on the wall to let me know he is ready to get up. I love listening to him. His blabbering and incoherent words are just amazing. Listening to what he said last month change to an actual word this month just blows my mind. I have always wondered what it was like to learn to talk, and now I am getting to watch my son learn. Daddy works on words with him everyday, while I try to teach him other things, like his colors. He learned "blue" the other day, and yesterday he learned "yellow," but it come out more like "yeyow." At least he knows what color it is! This is probably an achievement I should share with Daddy. I'm really bad at not sharing his milestones with the family. I don't know why I don't think about them all the time; they are so amazing!

As I sit here, I think about when he was a little baby. He's not that baby anymore; he is a little man who could easily pass for a toddler, even though he is not quite there in age. I look forward to more milestone, but hope that they do not come too fast. He may be the only baby I have, and I don't want it to be over.